Defeated

I think a lot of times pastors, leaders, and others in ministry feel like we should keep our real feelings to ourselves. We are supposed to be “tough” at all times, or at least put on the appearance of being tough. Don’t ever let anyone know you are going through something or know that you are struggling. We are supposed to present a strong example for others to follow. 

But, if we do that, I don’t think we are being honest. I believe in being transparent. I’ve never once hoped anyone would believe that I am superhuman. There’s no such thing because the root word “human” exposes it all. Anytime a human is involved, the trials of life are going to be present. And as long as the enemy of our souls can bring trials to God’s people, you better believe he will.

Last week was a terrible week for me. I felt like I had been plunged to the bottom of a pit, and covered with a thick layer of mud. I couldn’t figure out why. I just suddenly felt like I couldn’t preach. I felt like my anointing had flown out the window, (if I had ever been chosen and anointed in the first place). I felt like I had missed the mark entirely. I felt absolutely defeated.  It hit me suddenly, and without warning. I just woke up one morning and felt like an absolute failure. 

On top of that, from the moment I signed the contract for the publishing of my second book, my right hand went numb. It’s hard to write a book with a numb arm and hand. I had prayed, and had everyone else to pray for my healing, and still nothing had changed. Was God even listening to me anymore? Every day I felt as if I was sinking deeper.

I quoted Scriptures that I knew I would share with anyone else going through the same thing, but the darkness just seemed to close in around me. I woke up Friday morning after a very restless night, and on top of everything else, I was supposed to go minister at the jail that day. I was thinking, “I’ve got nothing for them! I can’t even encourage myself, how can I minister to anyone else?!” 

Though I didn’t want to go, I made myself do it. I complained the whole 45 minute drive to the jail. I’m sure God was sick of hearing me whine and complain, but I felt so defeated I just couldn’t hold it back. I went into the jail and we began to sing the worship songs I had chosen for us. I still felt like I had nothing to give these ladies. After we sang the last song, one of the ladies asked if we could sing the song we sang last week.

She said, “It talks about what God says about us.” I knew she was talking about the song “You Say,” by Lauren Daigle. I went to the computer and pulled it up, and we began to sing along. These are the lyrics:

"I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know
 
You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe 
What You say of me
I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity
Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure God, and You'll have every victory
​
You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe 
What You say of me 
I believe"

As we sang those words, I lost it. Hot tears filled my eyes as I began to think of how I had stopped listening and believing what God says about me. I had let the enemy replace what I knew to be true, with his lies. All because a few things didn’t go as planned. Someone had attacked me as a person and minister, and really hurt my feelings. I was struggling with writing my second book with a deadline quickly approaching. I had been so busy running here and there, and trying to fit in everything I could because I didn’t want to let anyone down. I was just overwhelmed and exhausted, and I didn’t want to get out of bed.

So, what had I done? I pushed away the words of the one who really loves me—Jesus. I didn’t allow His words about me to penetrate the darkness. I dwelled on the image the enemy wanted me to see of myself. But, guess what? As I began to sing those words in worship to Jesus, the blinders fell to the floor. The sun shone into that windowless jail room, and His presence flooded in like a reckless raging river.

When we finished singing, I told the ladies my message was about feeling defeated. Through tears, I told them about my week, and how horrible I had felt. Before long, ALL of us were crying. I asked them to raise their hand if they felt defeated. Almost every hand went up. As we continued to talk about how the enemy wants to keep us defeated through life’s trials, and his crafty lies we all started to feel better—myself included! The Holy Spirit began to just pour words into me, that freely fell from my lips almost without thought. I felt His anointing more powerfully than I had in a LONG time. 

We all began to declare that we are VICTORIOUS through the blood of Jesus Christ, and God moved in a powerful way. We had CHURCH. When I asked who was ready to accept Christ as her Savior, every hand went up. Even those who had already repented. We prayed and celebrated. One of the ladies asked if we could sing, “I went to the enemy’s camp and took back what he stole from me.” I didn’t have the music, so we all sang it acapella! It was so powerful.

Do you know what happened? Every single one of us went to the enemy’s camp and took back the joy he had stolen from us. We stomped the floor and let Satan know he is under our feet! One lady sang “Mercy Seat” acapella, and it was so anointed we all had goosebumps. Then they all asked if we could sing “Victory in Jesus!” It was one of the most beautiful services I have ever experienced.

When I left, I thanked God for giving me a glimpse of what their desperation and defeat felt like. Maybe that is why I had such a terrible week, I don’t know. What I do know is that when we choose to believe what God says about us, and refuse to listen to the lies of the enemy; we cannot be defeated. We are over-comers through Jesus Christ! Those ladies may be behind bars, but they are more free than many sitting on church pews. If you are feeling defeated today, lift up your face and look toward heaven. Jesus loves you. You cannot be defeated!

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