Will the Pain Ever End?

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Will the Pain Ever End?

I thought I was doing well. I stepped back into ministry, and God was moving. People were still getting saved, healed, baptized in the Holy Spirit, and delivered. There is nothing in this world that excites my heart more than serving God to bring Him glory. I feel closest to Him when I am ministering and partnering with Him in Kingdom work.


I’ve been busy planning events, studying for upcoming services, and slowly moving forward. I still cry EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Even on my busiest days, there is a dark cloud lingering in the background just waiting for an opportunity to overshadow me. Then the rain begins to pour from my eyes as painful memories, like lightning bolts, strike all around me.


Where’s the balance?


Sometimes I feel like I need to stay busy so I’m not consumed by the pain. Other times I feel guilty because I’m not sitting on the couch with a box of tissues, succumbing to the pain. So, I do both. Sometimes I sit with my grief and cry on Jesus' shoulder. He gets it. And at other times, I run as fast as I can, trying to outrun the memories.


There are times, like this past weekend, when we go away for a short family vacation just to try to leave the pain behind. That’s when it becomes most obvious that there is a gaping hole in our family. For the first few days, I was fine. There were new things to see and do, new places to explore.


But then I wanted to text Hannah and tell her all the things we were doing. I wanted to send her photos so she could text back with some smart-aleck remark about how we left her behind, even though we begged her to go, but she had other plans.
That was our Hannah.


There are moments that hit like a punch to the gut, and they literally take the wind out of you. For example, one day I was walking through the mall when I saw a young woman who looked just like Hannah from behind. She was dressed exactly the same, had the exact same hairstyle, and the same youthful figure.


I desperately wanted her to turn around, see me, and say, “Hey, Mom! Let’s go check out Boot Barn.”


But it was not my daughter.


Other times, I walk by someone wearing her perfume, and the memories come flooding back. And then there are days like yesterday, when we were driving back to the cabin from the ice cream shop, and her song came on the radio.


Her sweet voice filled the vehicle, and her photo popped up on the screen as the artist. My milkshake lost all its flavor. My heart felt like it had been placed in a vice and clamped down with incredible force. A lump the size of Texas formed in my throat, and the tears came uncontrollably.


So, will this pain ever end?


The answer, I’m discovering, is both heartbreaking and hopeful. No, the love never ends, so the ache never completely disappears. But it changes. It becomes something you learn to carry. Some days it is unbearably heavy. Other days, it rests quietly beside you while you smile again. The pain doesn’t vanish, but neither does hope.


There are times I feel like I just can’t do it anymore. But even though sorrow endures for the night, joy will ultimately come in the morning. We just don’t always know how long the night will be. But there will be joy. There will be happy moments and laughter. Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean the pain has ended. It simply means morning has come. But as surely as morning comes, night will fall again.


So, to answer the question, the pain will become less intense over time. It will come and go, but you will survive and eventually thrive.


We must learn to carry the pain in our own way. Your grief will not look like my grief or anyone else’s. Your grief is uniquely yours, shaped by the depth of love you hold in your heart for your loved one and the millions of memories you have of them. There will be days when the memories make you cry and other times when they make you laugh or smile.


It’s like being adrift at sea. Fierce storms will come and toss your boat all over the place, battering your fragile heart until the pain feels unbearable. Other days, you will bask in the sun on the upper deck, smiling over the many beautiful memories that come blowing through on the peaceful tropical breeze. And other times there will be a gentle rain, where you sit in the cabin with silent tears as steady as the falling salty raindrops.


None of your feelings are wrong. Don’t be shocked when you’ve gone a week or even a month feeling okay, only to wake up one day and feel like you can’t move.

Dreams

Dreams are the worst. No one warns you about them. I can tell I’m going to have a really bad day if I dream about Hannah the night before.


Last night I had a dream I’ve had some version of before. I was sitting on the living room sofa when Hannah walked in through the back door. She walked over, plopped down on the piano bench, and began playing and singing the most beautiful, otherworldly song I had ever heard.


I started talking to her, asking how she could possibly be here. She laughed and said, “Mom, you must be some kind of special to Jesus because sometimes He tells me to go visit my mom for a little while.”


We both laughed.


I asked if I could touch her. I was afraid my hands would go straight through her and she would vanish from sight. But I wrapped my arms around her, and I felt her body, her actual, living, breathing, talking body.


Next, Bryan walked in the door. He looked completely shocked and said, “Hannah?”
She gave him her biggest grin and said, “Yes?”
I looked at Bryan and said, “Look! You can hug her!”


She laughed, hugged us both, and told us she loved us. Then she said, “Well, I gotta go. Jesus is calling.” And just like that, she was gone.


Overwhelming peace and joy flooded our hearts. We talked about when she might be allowed to visit us again.


Then I woke up.


The tears came as I realized it had only been a dream. Oh, how I wish it could be possible.


If Hannah had to come back to visit us, I know she would be mad about it. I'm confident that what she is experiencing now in Heaven is far greater than her very best day on earth.


But truth be told, I’m struggling today because of that dream and how real it felt. I’m crying as I type this. The pain is intense. But the moments of joy are just as intense when they come. I can have that joy because I know I will one day join Hannah for all eternity.


Joy will come in the morning.


We have this hope because God was willing to give His one and only Son up to death so He could make a way for us to be with Him and with our loved ones again. Jesus defeated sin and the grave when He rose again and returned to His true home.


Maybe you are grieving today and struggling beneath the weight of your pain. If Jesus is your Savior, you are not without hope. The greatest future you could ever imagine is waiting for you in Heaven, your real home, for all eternity.


Revelation 21:4 (NIV)
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."